Facing Down the Demons

The summer before my sophomore year of college, I decided to transfer to a local school and commute from home. That was also the summer I joined a gym and started rehabbing my injured knees. My school year went well but it wasn’t without stress. Over the course of that year at the gym, I lost some weight and I felt great.

After I hit the one year mark, the inevitable happened and I started gaining some weight back. Not from backing off on the healthy eating or the exercise, but because, frankly, that’s what my body felt like doing and I didn’t know what to do. I started getting obsessive about it. What I had been doing at the gym simply because I loved doing it was becoming something I HAD to do because if I didn’t, I felt guilty and I felt ugly. My workout time tripled, and thanks to the aid of an online calorie counter, my calorie intake was slashed in half. While that was happening, I was taking 2 summer classes and one of them was Abnormal Psychology.  It was in that class that it hit me – I had developed an eating disorder.

It was a very weird thing for me. Up until that point I really only had the “media definitions” of eating disorders. I wasn’t starving myself. I wasn’t throwing up what I ate. I was, however, very restrictive of what and when I ate. If I ate something “bad” my already increased time in the gym doubled. I stopped allowing myself to take a day off from exercising here and there to give my injuries a breather. I found myself writing “do not enter” on the fridge whiteboard. I knew I had to get on top of the situation before it got any worse.

Thankfully, my school offered free counseling services. I can’t say I learned anything technical from it – I already knew the psychology – but it was wonderful to have someone impartial to talk to. While the stress of my honors project, research assistantship, and general emotional stress were all getting to me, the one thing I had control over was the way that I looked. Having someone to talk to who wasn’t going to give me the “oh poor baby” face or hover over me gave me a place to channel all of that negative energy so I could work on healing myself from the inside out.

Gradually, it got better, but it took a couple of years. I stopped weighing myself multiple times a day. Eating became more about fueling my body than something I had to keep an eye on at all times. Healthy eating went back to the way of life I knew so well as opposed to an obsessive diet. I stopped stressing about “overeating.” Unfortunately, it’s something that never really goes away completely. That mindset is always waiting for me in the wings. The destructive thinking that comes along with it is always attempting to creep back in.  The guilt about what I choose to eat is always right there under the surface. Fast forward 7 years and now here I am. A diabetic who needs to consider anything and everything she eats and for whom a significant weight change could signal a larger problem. Numerous bloggers before me have written about the guilt that comes into play when you're diabetic and I'm certainly no exception.

Now I’m set to go on vacation and in the past 2 weeks, I’ve found myself stepping on the scale more. I’ve gained back a few pounds since the sudden weight loss I had a few months ago and while I rationally know that’s a good thing, I’m having nightmares of my clothes not fitting me by the end of vacation. I can’t help thinking that I’m going away already weighing too much, so I’ll weigh even MORE when I come back. I’m telling myself that I “should have known better” than to buy some new clothes after that weight loss because “skinny Ash” never sticks around. That being skinny just isn’t something I succeed at. The sad thing is the size I’m afraid of going back to was actually a smaller than I ever thought I’d be to begin with. I’m already planning when I can hit the gym every day. I’m already planning what I WON’T eat to compensate for what I WILL eat. And it’s making me nervous. Which makes me more obsessive about it. It’s a vicious cycle.

But I’m still going to enjoy my vacation. I’m going to eat at the restaurants I look forward to eating at every year without feeling badly about it.

And I will NOT weigh myself again until after I’ve been back home for a week.

If you or anyone you know is suffering from an eating disorder, NEDA and The NOW Foundation's Love Your Body Campaign  are great sources of support.

Artwork above is by Sarah Neuser, and is the winning poster in the NOW Foundation's 2010 Love Your Body Campaign Poster Contest.

D-Feast Friday: Whole Wheat Pitas

For this D-Feast Friday, rather than posting a recipe for an entire meal/snack, I’m posting one that you can use in any way you want. We all know that eating whole wheat or multigrain bread is a better choice for us, but how many things that are labeled as such truly are? When you read the labels, you find that there aren’t many. So here is my recipe for something that’s been a lifesaver. I know they may seem intimidating to make at first but they’re TOtally doable - Whole Wheat Pitas!


Ingredients
•    4 cups whole wheat flour
•    1 tablespoon dry yeast (usually this is what’s in one small package)
•    1 ¼ cups warm water
•    ½ teaspoon salt (optional)

1.    Preheat oven to 500 degrees F
2.    Sift together 2 cups of flour and the yeast
3.    Add water and salt and mix well
4.    Gradually add in the remaining flour just until the dough begins to clean the sides of the bowl. You may not need to use all of it.
5.    Knead the dough for about 5 minutes or until its elastic (if you were making these to use for sandwiches, you could add any desired herbs and spices during this step)
6.    Form the dough into 10 balls
7.    On a floured surface, roll each ball into a 5-6 in circle that’s about ¼ inch thick
8.    Place on a non-stick baking sheet and allow to rise for about 30 minutes
9.    Just before placing the cookie sheet in the oven, flip each pita over onto the other side
10.    Bake on the bottom rack of the oven for 5 minutes
11.    They will be hard when they initially come out of the oven but they will soften as they cool
12.    Store while still warm in an airtight container or plastic baggies and let cool

Of course, you don't have to make the entire recipe. You can always make half or a quarter of it if you just want to make a few but the measurements won't be as exact. You’ll be surprised by how versatile these bad boys are.  I’ll be giving you a recipe for something fun to do with them next week. It'll be an easy one, too. Promise :)

This is My Angry Face

We’ve all vented on more than one occasion about the rude and ignorant things people say to us as diabetics on a daily basis.

The other day, I got a two-for when someone said: “I HATE needles!! I could NEVER do it!!!!”

I do it or I die. Simple as that. Every time I give myself an injection, I’m choosing to live. Anyone who thinks their distaste for needles would make them willingly choose death over life is kidding themselves. And just because it’s a part of my daily life, that doesn’t automatically mean I like the needles or even that I’ve gotten used to them. There’s no magic switch that turns on rendering all future injections and finger sticks painless. Do you really think I like the feeling of a needle piercing my skin and instantaneously knowing whether or not I’m going to bleed? Do you think I like the fact that sometimes an injection hurts so much that I get nauseated? Maybe you think I enjoy having a body that pretty much looks like a dartboard complete with bruises and permanent holes in my fingertips?

Sure. I love it. I love taking charge of my body. I love the medical discoveries and advancements that have happened so this diagnosis wasn’t a death sentence. I love knowing that I can make up for what my body can’t do on its own. I know this brings in human error but I do my best. I do the work of a system that my body needs to be in tip top shape 24/7 when most people have the luxury of not even realizing the system is at work. I love knowing that I have the power and the knowledge to pick up the slack for my body and that I have the strength and courage to do it every day.

But no. I don’t love the needles.

D-Feast Friday: Hellllllooooo, Cupcake!

When I was first getting acquainted with the DOC, it became very clear to me that we all have a common love.

Cupcakes.

When I heard about D-Feast Friday, I was of two minds. First I thought that I already post recipes from time to time, so I could always recycle. Then I thought I’d be overly ambitious and try to post a bunch of recipes that I've wanted to post but haven't yet.

Then I had a genius moment. You know those recipes I’ve posted for chocolate cake and whipped topping?

Hellllllooooo cupcake(s)!

So, with some adjustments, I present to you Ultimate Chocolate Cupcakes:

Ingredients

Cupcakes:
* 1 (18.25 oz.) Devil's Food Cake Mix
* 1 small (1 oz.) box sugar free, instant chocolate pudding mix
* 1 cup nonfat vanilla yogurt
* 1/4 cup canola oil
* 1/3 cup skim milk
* 1 large egg
* 3 large egg whites
* 1/3 cup Kahlua liqueur
* 1/3 cup semisweet chocolate chips
* Cocoa

Whipped Topping
*1 package cool whip free
*1 cup skim milk
*1 package sugar free chocolate pudding

Directions
1. Preheat oven to 350F.
2. If you're using cupcake liners, dust the inside with cocoa. If not, spray the cupcake pans with nonstick cooking spray and then dust with cocoa.
3. Place all ingredients except chocolate chips in a large bowl. Beat with mixer for 2 minutes or until well blended. Stir in chocolate chips.
4. Pour batter into prepared pans. I found the baking time to be around 15 minutes but seeing as I’ve only made these as cupcakes once (and my oven is cranky), start checking them at 10 minutes and rely on the toothpick test to figure out the optimal baking time in your oven.

While the cupcakes are cooking and cooling, you can work on making the topping.

1. Whisk together the milk and pudding mix.
2. Once it’s all mixed, fold in the cool whip. Do this part gently so it doesn’t get flat.
3. Refrigerate for about 10 minutes before topping the cupcakes.

I'm not sure of how the nutritional information differs between a cupcake and a piece of a cake, but here is the nutritional information per piece:

Nutritional Information (Per Serving)
Calories: 205
Protein: 3 g
Sodium: 209 mg
Cholesterol: 13 mg
Fat: 8 g
Carbohydrates: 31 g
Exchanges: 2 Bread/Starch; 1-1/2 Fat

Enjoy!

Note: I know we all LOVE bacon, too, but I’m not at the point where I’ve perfected a savory cupcake. Yet :)

The End of an Epic Love Affair

Dear Mr. Heat Wave,

We need to talk.

Before my diagnosis, you were the kind of weather that I lived for. I’d go outside early in the morning and chase the sun around my backyard all day. I’d stay in the pool until my whole body was pruney and water logged.

And I loved every minute of it.

The summer immediately after my diagnosis, I was studying for the MCAT and feeling all around terrible. Mother Nature tried to get me outside by giving me a few really nice days, but all in all, she knew I wasn’t feeling well and had mercy on me by giving me a rainy, dreary summer. You were nowhere in sight and I missed you terribly but I knew you understood it wasn't the time for us to be together. 

Last summer, you returned again in full force. Unbeknownst to me, I was dealing with a defective test strip situation at the time. By “defective” I mean that whenever I refilled my pen and test strips together, they were both placed in the pharmacy fridge rendering the strips useless. For the better part of 3 months, I’d feel low, and my meter would tell me I was fine, or I’d feel fine and my meter would tell me I was high. I wasn’t able to hang out with you like I was used to, and I believe this put a strain on our relationship. I’m sure that you were feeling ignored, and neglected, but you were always there right outside my window supporting and encouraging me on the days that I couldn’t manage to get off of my bed. You knew that no matter how badly I felt physically, I would be in good spirits as long as you were right there with me. 

Now this summer, you’re here once again ready to rekindle our love affair. I appreciate you trying to give me the weather that I used to live and breathe for, but didn’t you hear? My docs called me the H word. This means that this is the first summer I’m truly experiencing from the perspective of a diabetic. I can fully feel the way the heat can impact a person with diabetes.

In case you were wondering, Mr. Heat Wave, your relationship with my diabetes (and my asthmatic lungs) could benefit from some couples therapy.

I’m getting lows more often and when I treat them, my blood glucose (bg) spikes higher than it should. I’m drinking so much water that I’m pretty sure my eyes are floating around in my skull. I’m in an air conditioned house and I’m still sweating like a whore in church. I go outside and I’m instantly uncomfortable whether it be from my bg doing something funky or from the fact that the air is so thick, my lungs don’t know what to do with it. And don’t even get me started on what has happened to my workouts. I’ve gone from twenty-something badass who can push it further and lift more than the guys at the gym to a 100 year old woman who needs the aid of a cane and an oxygen mask in less than a day.

In short, Mr. Heat Wave, I think it’s time that we end our twenty-something year long love affair. It’s not you, it’s me. This relationship has become unhealthy and it’s time that I let you go. Go help some other girl make memories that will last a lifetime.

I’ll never forget you.

xoxo,
Ash