I woke up with a jolt. It was 3:23 am. I was cold. I was sweaty. I felt like I’d been hit in the head repeatedly with a dumbbell. Without even moving I could tell that I was weak.
Shit. I thought. It’s happening again.
It was December of 2007 and I had no clue what was going on. All I knew was that I felt like total hell and I had a final at 8 am.
I got up – I can’t remember if I was heading to the kitchen for some water or the bathroom for a cold compress but as quickly as I’d gotten up, I was sprawled out on the floor. Cell phone in hand, I found myself crawling to the bathroom.
I need help. NOW.
But… what was I going to do? Call 911 and say “help! I feel… weird?!?”
I’d driven myself to the hospital like this the month before. The doctors found nothing and I got a massive bill.
I lived alone. My parents were about 45 minutes away and I didn’t want to scare the shit out of them in the middle of the night.
Maybe if I can just get myself together I can get to the hospital. It’s only 5 minutes away if I can just get. out. the. door.
I got up… and fell down. Tears were starting to fall from the frustration of not knowing what was going on. I had no control over my body and couldn’t help myself.
I thought it would be best to call my boyfriend at the time. He lived 20 minutes away. There wouldn’t be any traffic and he’d be so worried he’d get to me even faster, right?
Wrong. He groggily picked up the phone and yelled at me for waking him up and being so disrespectful of the fact that he had to get up early. He told me I was being selfish and hung up.
Tears started flowing faster now. I was completely alone. He must have thought I sounded crazy. Hell *I* thought I was going crazy. I sat there on the floor of the bathroom shaking and crying. My mind was racing and yet all of my thoughts somehow landed in the same place.
I CAN’T DO THIS!!
I didn’t know what was going to happen. I felt helpless. I didn’t know what this was, but I didn’t want to fight with it anymore. I was done.
The next thing I remember, the alarm on my phone went off. It was 7 am and time for me to go take my final. I picked myself up off the bathroom floor – still a little uneasy on my feet – got ready and went to class.
I couldn’t help but think of this when I found myself startling out of a deep sleep this morning at 4 am – away from home and feeling cold, sweaty, and confused – I knew I was low and all I could think was “game on, bitch!”
What a difference it makes when you know exactly what you’re up against.