Pre-Endo Jitters

I have my appointment with my Endo next week. Now that my bloodwork is done, the nerves are starting to set in.

Not about my a1c.

Not about whether or not my vitamin D levels have improved.

But about stepping on the God forsaken scale.

There. I said it. I’m the stereotypical girl when it comes to getting weighed. 

I get on the scale backwards. I don’t want to look at it and the nurses know that, no matter what, they are NOT to tell me what I weigh. Especially when I'm coming back after my Endo told me she really thought I should try to gain some of the weight back that I’d lost out of nowhere. I can shake off a bad blood sugar or a disappointing a1c, but my weight? Well that’s one number that I, unfortunately, think I’ll always define myself by. To me, a weight loss (even if it’s unhealthy) is a victory and a weight gain is a failure. No matter how much soul searching I do, I just CANNOT seem to break that cycle of thinking.

I get nervous at the thought of getting on a scale. My eating habits before getting weighed go, quite honestly, batshit insane. I amp up the frequency and intensity of my workouts (which is healthy for the array of injuries I have), I put myself on a strict diet (like Sam from Glee… only worse), I restrict my fluid intake, and I FAST BEFORE THE APPOINTMENTS. I purposely make myself the first appointment of the day so I can go without having to eat beforehand.

I’m admitting these things that I’m truly ashamed of because I need you guys to hold me accountable for my batshit insane pre-weigh-in tendencies.

The thought of getting weighed automatically sends me into a mode where it’s as if I’m trying to make weight for a jiu jitsu match. The even bigger problem is that an inability to maintain the weight that I’ve attained by unhealthy measures still feels like a failure to me. And it shouldn’t.

This is something that pre-dates my diabetes. It’s been a part of me since I first started going to the gym. All weight losses were celebrated but when I hit the inevitable plateau, it was approached as “something’s going wrong, we need to change things” rather than “your body is at its optimal weight.” The first gym I ever went to was a gym for women, which had its perks, but the owner didn’t believe in an optimal weight or a set point. She believed that no matter how much weight was lost (intentionally or unintentionally) you could always lose more and should always be trying to do so. Somehow, that mindset became my mindset and I hate it.

And I need to knock it off before I get myself into trouble again.

Diabetes Blog Week - My Deepest Apologies

It is with an extremely heavy heart that I have to formally back out of participating in Diabetes Blog Week this year.

I was so excited to do it RIGHT this year. I was going to schedule my posts and really dig in to the prompts and (hopefully) put out some good work.

Then last week was chaos like I’d never experienced before.

Daddy got out of the hospital on Friday and I was ok for the weekend. I had Mother’s Day things to take care of and look forward to and Sunday was a great day.

Then Monday came – my 3^rd Diaversary – and, well, I just didn’t care about it. Suddenly everything caught up with me. I tried to write my first post, and nothing came out. I started feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and a depression set in that I haven’t felt in a very long time.

I slept thought most of that day and most of the week thus far. My blood sugars haven’t been much over 80 and I feel like I got hit by the Starship Enterprise at Warp Speed.

Last week brought me face to face with the fact that someday I’ll find myself wishing I could get a bear hug from daddy or get some advice from momma and they won’t be here anymore.

Yes, I’ve always logically known that my parents weren’t going to live forever. But last week was the first time that it seemed as though that was going to happen sooner rather than later and it’s taken a toll on me.

With the emotional turmoil that I’m finding myself in right now, the emotion that comes with DBlogWeek – especially with the first few days of prompts this time around – is just more than I can handle.

I hope that I will be able to answer the prompts and post my pieces to the daily lists at some point but right now, I just can’t do it.

Please go read and support the bloggers participating this week – they’re doing some really amazing work.

Happy Mother's Day!!

A daughter is a mother's gender partner, her closest ally in the family confederacy, an extension of herself. And mothers are their daughters' role model, their biological and emotional road map, the arbiter of all their relationships. ~Victoria Secunda

Happy Mother's Day to all, especially my Momchick. xoxo

Pandemonium

That's the only word I can use to describe the last week.

My birthday was great (thanks again for all the well wishes) but from there, everything went downhill.

I don't want to give you guys a long drawn out post to sort through, so I'm going to give you the Cliff's Notes version.

Mom had a little toothache Sunday night that turned into needing emergency oral surgery on Wednesday.

Thursday morning, daddy was sweating, nauseated, and felt "like someone hit him in the chest." We brought him to the ER and he was admitted to the cardiac until until about 1pm yesterday.

Mom's doing well. She's still a little chipmunkey but thankfully her pain has been alleviated. Daddy's tests didn't show anything remarkable. He has a good, strong heart that's working properly so that's comforting to know, but we still have no idea what caused the problem.

I just want to thank all of you so much for the prayers and well wishes in response to my random (and frantic) tweeting the last few days. Even though I couldn't respond to each of you individually, I read each and every one of them and greatly appreciate the love and support.

xoxo

Wego Health's HAWMC

By some sheer twist of dumb luck, I'm the winner of Wego Health's Health Activist Writer's Month Challenge.It's an honor just to be nominated... if there actually were nominations involved. If you look here you'll see my first (and hopefully not last) interview! Thanks so much for talking with me, Amanda!

Diabetes Blog Week 2011!!

It's time once again for the week that I credit with saving this blog from deletion after my semester was over - Diabetes Blog Week!! It's really easy to join in; just click the link above for all of the details. I look forward to seeing everyone's work next week!