I have my appointment with my Endo next week. Now that my bloodwork is done, the nerves are starting to set in.
Not about my a1c.
Not about whether or not my vitamin D levels have improved.
But about stepping on the God forsaken scale.
There. I said it. I’m the stereotypical girl when it comes to getting weighed.
I get on the scale backwards. I don’t want to look at it and the nurses know that, no matter what, they are NOT to tell me what I weigh. Especially when I'm coming back after my Endo told me she really thought I should try to gain some of the weight back that I’d lost out of nowhere. I can shake off a bad blood sugar or a disappointing a1c, but my weight? Well that’s one number that I, unfortunately, think I’ll always define myself by. To me, a weight loss (even if it’s unhealthy) is a victory and a weight gain is a failure. No matter how much soul searching I do, I just CANNOT seem to break that cycle of thinking.
I get nervous at the thought of getting on a scale. My eating habits before getting weighed go, quite honestly, batshit insane. I amp up the frequency and intensity of my workouts (which is healthy for the array of injuries I have), I put myself on a strict diet (like Sam from Glee… only worse), I restrict my fluid intake, and I FAST BEFORE THE APPOINTMENTS. I purposely make myself the first appointment of the day so I can go without having to eat beforehand.
I’m admitting these things that I’m truly ashamed of because I need you guys to hold me accountable for my batshit insane pre-weigh-in tendencies.
The thought of getting weighed automatically sends me into a mode where it’s as if I’m trying to make weight for a jiu jitsu match. The even bigger problem is that an inability to maintain the weight that I’ve attained by unhealthy measures still feels like a failure to me. And it shouldn’t.
This is something that pre-dates my diabetes. It’s been a part of me since I first started going to the gym. All weight losses were celebrated but when I hit the inevitable plateau, it was approached as “something’s going wrong, we need to change things” rather than “your body is at its optimal weight.” The first gym I ever went to was a gym for women, which had its perks, but the owner didn’t believe in an optimal weight or a set point. She believed that no matter how much weight was lost (intentionally or unintentionally) you could always lose more and should always be trying to do so. Somehow, that mindset became my mindset and I hate it.
And I need to knock it off before I get myself into trouble again.